Category: money chat

Stop hiding behind your past

How many of you are hiding behind your past?

You feel shame and embarrassment about aspects of your life and it is holding you back, from being visible and being you.

It’s stopping people from getting close to you and ultimately stopping you from living your true purpose.

For years I carried around the shame of being in debt. At my highest point I owed around £50k in consumer debt (so no mortgage included). I was 23 years old.

On the outside, I was all smiling. Inside I was a mess.

I was embarrassed.

I was ashamed.

Full of regret and sadness about my situation.

I didn’t want people to get to know me, to get close to me, in case they found out the truth. And they judged me. Or worse rejected me.

I was robbing Peter to pay Paul, trying to create this lifestyle I thought I wanted.

You see all my life I craved acceptance and approval. I didn’t get it and so went searching for it, in the wrong places.

I had this huge void in my life and used overspending and overeating to numb the pain.

The ironic thing was deep down inside, I didn’t even want half the stuff I bought. I would purchase something, get the short term high and then when I realised that I couldn’t afford it, get anxious and start to plan how I was going to take it back. All the while putting out a positive front.

In 2007 it all fell apart and I was left facing huge debt and immense emptiness in my life. I felt helpless and a fraud.

You see my debt story became my measure of self-worth. Having no money to buy basic things, all the while working a very well paid corporate job was humiliating but also humbling.

I no longer felt I ‘deserved’ good things.

I continually questioned myself and my ability to make good decisions. I lost trust in myself and it ate away at my self-esteem and I began to sabotage myself, my relationships and all areas of life.

I hide away and put up barriers. I stopped chasing my dreams and accepted a life less than.

5 years I started a journey of identity and breaking up with my past because I soon discovered it is never about debt or food, they are merely symptoms.

It’s about self-worth and knowing who you are in Christ.

About accepting yourself, accepting your flaws, mistakes and all. And extending forgiveness, grace and self-love.

Allowing others in, so that they can help you and allowing God to do a new thing in your life.

Whatever your story or your past is, know that it does not define you.

If you are still hiding in darkness full of shame and sadness, step into the light and know that your life is meant for more.

So much more….